I'll Have What He's Smokin'

September 1, 2010 7 Comments

My sweet husband coined a phrase a few years back when he met my …uh…. interesting is a good word…..OB/GYN for the first time. I was preggo with gorgeous model #2 and it was my first time to have a baby with a “big city” doc. My doc was simply amazing, but he had a funny way of snorting whenever he laughed. As we left, in response to my, “Well…????” inquiry, hubby simply said, “I don’t know what he’s smokin’, but I want some.”

I’ve never forgotten that moment.

It’s etched in my psyche for all eternity.

And at (in)appropriate moments, it comes leaping out of my mouth.

Yesterday was just such a day. Having delivered a car to gorgeous model #1 at the far edges of Western New Mexico, I participated in a game of “how to get from Nowhere, NM back to my warm, inviting home with no car.

It involved two shuttles and two different airplanes, a two hour ride with a most…ahem…”interesting” driver (that’s an experience I shan’t soon forget), and a Southwest flight attendant crew who changed planes with me.

If you’ve never flown Southwest, you should. Connan O’Brian’s got nothing on these people. Plus, no terrorist would ever fly Southwest for fear of a redneck takeover.

“We don’t anticipate a drop in cabin pressure. If we did, we wouldn’t have come to work today.”

“Oxygen will be delivered to you through the mask. First three minutes are free. Additional minutes are priceless.”

“If you are traveling with small children, or if one is sitting beside you, you have our sympathy.”

“In the event of a water evacuation, put on the life vest from beneath your seat, pull the cord to inflate, and kick, kick, paddle, paddle, breath. Kick, Kick, paddle, paddle, breath…..until you reach the shore.”

“This is a non-smoking flight. If you feel the need to light up, please step out on the wing and enjoy our feature presentation, ‘Gone With the Wind’.”

“We will now dim the cabin lights. That’s in order to enhance the looks of the (dark complected) male flight attendant.”  (He was the one who said all of this.)

“On behalf of the entire Southwest crew, I’d like to welcome you to Hawaii, but I can’t, so welcome to Lubbock.”

I’ll have some of whatever he’s smoking. I bet it’s good stuff.

I “deplaned” (insert midget voice from Fantasy Island here) and greeted the hunk who had repeatedly provided the necessary genetic material (and some great sex) required to produce gorgeous models #1, #2, #3, and #4. We watched as an old guy grabbed my bag off the luggage carousel by mistake. I commented to my hubby that his wife was gonna freak when he got home with a suitcase full of women’s underwear. Quick thinking hunky babe that he is, the father of my children commented that wasn’t anything compared to what she’d do to him when she found the inflatable mattress packed inside with those underwear.

Fortunately he learned to read luggage tags quickly.

Divorce averted.

Hubby, wife, and two younger gorgeous models climbed inside a 94 Chevy Suburban Dallas Cowboy package vehicle and headed home. A varsity volleyball match and a religious crusade awaited us back in the big town of Smallville.

The volleyball match was…er…uh….soon over.

The crusade preacher was quite focused and…uh….preachy. We didn’t have to go to the football field. We could easily hear him from the Wellness Center.

Am I the only one that has visions of murderous blood baths upon hearing the term “crusade”?

Hubby mentioned counting the number of references to hell, death, etc. the night before. I heard a few myself.

I’ve also heard this crusade cost as much as what my house  appraised for. Don’t know if it is true, yet if so, it’s a bit disturbing. That much money would feed a lot of Dump People in Honduras.

I admire those who put it together. Too often in this town, we tend to see barriers instead of hurdles. For hurdling over seemingly insurmountable barriers, those organizers have my admiration and respect.

Yet I can’t help but wonder what this investment accomplished? Did anyone demonstrate or imitate the life of Jesus through this project? Or was it more recruiting for the religion known as Christianity? A religion that tends to focus on proselytizing over serving.

I just don’t know. I wasn’t there. I didn’t hear that much. Not overly interested in hearing any more of it. Therefore, I have no right to judge the motives, intentions, actions, or hearts of those who participated.

Here’s what I do know. There was supposedly a man who walked the earth for 33 or so very short years. He went around healing those who were hurting, teaching about how to live a peaceful happy life, and feeding hungry people. Crowds followed him everywhere. He tried to escape occasionally, because the needs of the people were very draining. He didn’t walk around telling them how they were gonna go to hell if they didn’t go see John the Baptist to get every square millimeter of their body dunked under water.

Other than the twelve he picked out for his man-posse, from what I read, he didn’t recruit much at all.

He didn’t have to.

Everyone wanted whatever it was he was smoking.

That’s how Jesus-Following should be….everyone looking at the life of a person and simply saying, “I want whatever s/he’s having.”

No revival.

No crusade.

Simply an incredible example of caring about people.

There’s no need to proselytize. When the student is ready, the teacher appears.

Now, if this crusade guy decides he needs a massage today, we just won’t mention this little blog, okay?


7 thoughts on “I'll Have What He's Smokin'”

    1. Which part? The part about great baby-making or the part about bloody crusades? Ha! Ha! Just giving you a hard time. Thanks for continuing to read my ramblings.

  1. Preach on sister. And no – you are not the only one who hears crusade and cringes. I refuse to sing “Onward Christian Soldiers”.

    I LOVED the recount of the Southwest humor.

    Love ya’!

    1. ….marching as to wa-ar!” Yeah…I hear ya on that one. As for the SW flight attendant, imagine those quotes with a thick, heavy, foreign accent. It was hysterical.

      And my typos today are completely out of hand.

    1. It has crossed my mind. I part of me wants to go, but another part of me doesn’t want to get that up close and personal. I am the queen of hypocrites. Erika wants to go. I may do whatever I can to help send her.

      My “interesting” shuttle driver was telling me about his special needs (as in possible ADHD) six year old boy. I wanted so much to go back and teach them about Brain Gym. I told him all I could…gave him information….encouraged him……suggested things for him to check into. I’ve wondered about teaching on a reservation. I don’t know if it is in me, but I think I’m more inclined in that direction. I want to empower the powerless. I sort of think it is the same thing. Just not sure how it will play out.

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