Born Again: A Journey from Daughter of the Kingdom to Sacred Feminine Goddess, Part 9
Where was I to turn once I realized every place of worship in my immediate environment has a different size or flavor of the same box? The very box from which I was trying desperately to break free?
I turned to the only source I had left. I turned inside. My own spiritual wisdom had led me to this place. God and I would figure this out together.
Since before the beginning of my journey, I had read and listened to books and speakers who were just past the edge of my comfort zone. Each time, that edge began to move a little farther away from the center.
My opportunities to listen for extended periods of time increased when I decided to attend school in a town 70 miles away. For almost a year, I drove nearly 3 hours round trip 2-3 times a week, usually in solitude. It made for the perfect time to listen to a number of edge-stretching material. It also made for lots of quiet time in which to meditate and think on the logic of what I was hearing.
A number of things began to occur to me.
I listened to some basic information on Buddha and his message. It sounded a lot like the message of Jesus. A lot. A whole lot.
I pondered the concept of reincarnation. Did God actually create a brand new soul every time a sperm and an egg got lucky? And if so, at what point did he zap the new soul into the little zygote? Or was it possible that souls exist in another dimension in a different frequency that is just beyond the range of perception for most humans? Could this human experience actually be the soul’s ultimate adventure vacation? Could there be “actor” souls who would come along on the vacation to help complete the experience? If so, that would mean the ones who play the parts of “bad guys” and rape, steal, or kill our loved ones in this life might not actually go to hell when they completed their mission.
What does that do to my perception of hell?
And if in fact, God loves us SO MUCH, and he deeply desires our unconditional love in return, but he doesn’t want forced love….why would he create us with a free will, then tell us that if we don’t do it exactly right, we will burn in hell?
Where’s the free will in that?
That’s no different than a parent who says, “I love you. I want you to love me if you want to, but if you don’t, I’m going to have you arrested and sent to prison where I’ll never see you again.” Gee. I think I’ll conjure up some love somewhere.
I also listened to some historical information about how our Bible came into existence. There is a reason most churches don’t and won’t spend much time talking about this subject. It blows the whole Divinely Inspired Perfectly Preserved Word of God theory completely out of the water.
The realization hit me that this book, this collection of writings I was so convinced were written with the the fingertip of God as the pen, had been compiled mostly by men, transcribed by men, interpreted by men, approved by kings, authorized by councils, transcribed and interpreted some more by men, selected for inclusion by men, and on and on. Men. Human men. Not the presumably inspired authors of the original texts. Average, ordinary, doing-the-best-they-could-not-to-get-their-heads-chopped-off men.
And then there was the question of WHICH of these various collections is actually the Divinely Inspired Perfect Word of God. My Bible had 66 books. My Catholic husband’s Bible had a whole lot more. I felt as if I had been fed a crock of poo my whole life. My thoughts about what constituted divinely inspired writing shifted dramatically. I knew I had been exposed to people and resources each of which had delivered a message to me that could only come from what I knew to be God.
Besides, how can something that is truly of God be the source of so much bickering, fighting, division, and even murder? The concept simply doesn’t align with the teachings of Jesus: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, and love your neighbor as your self. Love your enemies and forgive those who persecute you.” And Paul’s words: “…the greatest of these is love.”
It was becoming painfully clear to me that there was no possible way to apply logic to what humans had done to Christianity and still remain a Christian.
As I continued searching, devouring every bit of outside-the-box information I could get my hands on, I discovered beautiful religions like Shamanism, Wiccan, Buddhism, and the enlightenment of the yogis. What I discovered in each of these forbidden and even demonized philosophies was that in their purest form, they were teaching the exact same thing Jesus taught. The similarities are uncanny. Unfortunately in many cases, various groups within each spiritual philosophy have twisted and contorted its original message into a legalistic mess much like Christianity has done to the message of Jesus.
I encountered people who became my friends, each claiming one of these as part of their spiritual path. My daughters had been told that the concept of yin and yang was of the devil. I came to realize that the concept of yin and yang was very Biblical. Ignorance breeds discrimination and injustice. Fear breeds violence. Maybe this is why Jesus worked so hard to teach the masses and tell people not to be afraid.
I also had many of my right wing political views shot to hell (if there is such a place). It is very hard to oppose gay marriage when one makes friends with beautiful people that happen to see relationships differently than I do. It is difficult to know that I have looked into the eyes of a 7 year old thinking to myself, this child will likely be gay, and continue to believe that if he fulfills his inborn sexual desires in a loving monogomous relationship, his will be living in sin. It is nearly impossible to want to persecute gays and lesbians after having massaged a person who is a living breathing hermaphrodite, a he/she if you will. Such things change a person’s perspective forever.
And it becomes next to impossible to justify taking away a woman’s right to choose what happens to her own body, while standing for freedom of choice in medical treatment, the right to keep and bear arms, or the right to choose whether I consume pastured homogenized milk or straight-from-the-cow-raw. I can be pro-life and also be pro-choice. I do not need my government legislating morality to protect me from my ignorant self. For that we turn to Darwin and the theory of evolution. Those who cannot educate themselves and choose intelligently will eventually procreate themselves out of existence.
And so my journey turned a corner. The edge of the canyon is so attractive. The scenery from this vantage point is so incredibly beautiful revealing the fullness of God’s creation. My heart skips a beat and my stomach knows the feeling of butterflies all to well. It is sometimes lonely at the edge of the canyon. Most people are afraid of falling of the edge.
But I wouldn’t miss this for the world.
Lovely, just lovely. Raising your consciousness takes you to the edge, and expands your view and ultimately shifts your perceptions of right and wrong, good and evil, heaven and hell. It’s interesting to me that this expanding viewpoint for you coincided with becoming a healer yourself – my experience was very similar. The journey into yourself to find that which you have to give to the world seems to spark this very kind of awareness. It is lonely at the edge of the canyon sometimes, and thus a very pleasant surprise to meet another who has arrived there on a different but very similar path.
The possibilities of healing were in fact the initial questions in my awakening. It wasn’t until I was well into this awakening that I stumbled into becoming a facilitator of healing.
And I am so grateful for the beautiful souls who have appeared at Canyon’s Edge with me. The beautiful people who are accompanying me on this journey have brough much light and inspiration to the edge.
OK, so two resources, because I know you’ll love them.
Have you read Bart Ehrman’s books? If not, start with Jesus, Interrupted, although you might already be “past” it. He goes so far as to say Jesus might not be divine. That’s something we’ve concocted after the fact.
Have you seen the DVD “Trembling Before God?”–about homosexuals in Jewish orthodoxy who are learning that they can be Jewish AND gay, just not openly. My husband and I watched it the other night…very sad, actually, in many ways.
Keep going, dear heart. xo
That same message is in the one I am reading now, Saving Jesus From The Church. I wouldn’t want to say that too loud around here…..the part about Jesus might not be divine. ;-) But I definitely hear where that’s coming from and will add this to my list of must reads.
Never heard of the DVD. I guess don’t ask don’t tell exists in many social groups, not just the military.
Thanks for the suggestions!
OK, but who wrote this? How do we know?
“Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, and love your neighbor as your self. Love your enemies and forgive those who persecute you.” And Paul’s words: “…the greatest of these is love.” Do we choose parts that fit what we want it to fit and throw out the rest? Isn’t that what you have been fighting? And who passed on the stories of what we believe about Jesus? Not trying to be mean to you. Just pushing you. I love you, I just think you are contradicting yourself in some of what you say, just like I think many from downtown CofC do with words vs. actions. OK, but don’t take that last statement as me saying your words contradict your actions, You specifically. Maybe my words are clear as mud, but hopefully you know my heart.
Ah… my point exactly. Who wrote this? Do we get to pick and choose? Inevitably we all do. We pick and choose by not really studying and knowing what’s written, who wrote it, when it originated, what context it was written in, etc. So much of our belief systems have been inherited to some extent, though not necessarily from parents. I had no idea how much of mine was inherited rather than based in research and big picture.
I think Jesus pointed us to the only thing that really matters…..how we treat people. Paul’s instructions were directed at groups who weren’t treating people right. We take him way to literally.
And you are absolutely right. I am opposed to the pick and choose attitude where I disagree with its application, but I am supportive of recognizing, acknowledging and promoting what I feel needs to be recognized, acknowledged, and promoted. It is definitely a double standard. I probably shouldn’t start a church since that’s exactly what dislike about them.