Shoulds and More Shoulds

It’s Sunday again.

I SHOULD be getting ready for church. That’s what people do on Sunday around here….go to church. It’s what you are supposed to do.

And that is precisely why I am not going.

At 42 years old, it finally dawned on me that my only motivation for going the last 20 years was because I SHOULD. Because people expected me to be there. Because that’s just what you do when you are raised in “The Church”. Before that, my motivation was purely social. Maybe I’d meet a hot guy. At least I’d get to hang with my friends who were there for the same reason. We could time prayers, if nothing else.

I have finally decided that until my motivation is something other than SHOULD, I have no business being there.

For that matter, I’m not really what most churches in these parts want in their midst. I am a female who doesn’t exactly behave or think the way most people around here believe a good Christian female SHOULD.

Too much has awakened inside of me.

I have an overwhelming urge to speak my truth.

Unfortunately for them, most churches around here can’t handle my truth. It threatens their male dominated traditions. If I speak my truth (and I did), it might awaken other women as to their sacred feminine-ness (and it almost did). If that were to happened, who knows what horrible evils might befall the Bible belt population. We might end up like <gasp> those liberal west coast people.

I was, in fact, told to be quiet.

I knew I couldn’t be quiet.

It’s not in my nature.

Awakening is not a one time thing. It’s ongoing. Ever evolving.

Once I awaken to a new realization, a new logic, a new way of seeing the world, it becomes very important to me to share it with someone….many ones. It doesn’t really matter whether or not anyone agrees with me as much as it matters that they will still accept me and at least CONSIDER the POSSIBILITY of what I bring to the table…without suggesting I’ve made a pact with the devil.

Unfortunately, I am only accepted so long as I keep my weirdo ideas to myself.

Jesus totally relates to this. In a moment of randomness this morning, I closed my eyes and opened my Bible. I do that alot with various books. It’s my preferred way to receive the most appropriate guidance. This morning, it opened to John 11 . The heading was THE PLOT TO KILL JESUS.

The Pharisees are having a freakazoid about Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead. v. 48 “If we let him go on like this, everyone will believe in him, then the Romans will come and take away both our temple and our nation.”

Huh? There’s some really intelligent man-logic. NOT.

So the head hauncho, Caiaphas, says “You do not realize that it is better for you that one man die for the people than that the whole nation perish.”

Oh, yeah. And this was the logic of highly respected men. Men in a position of leadership. The men who ran the church. Kill the awakened one. Snuff out the flame of passion before it catches on. Otherwise, we might be overtaken by change. We simply cannot let this happen.

Not much has changed in two thousand years.

And so here I sit. Sunday morning. Faith in God fully intact. Faith in religion shot to hell. (Which at this point, I’m not convinced is a real place. That should further freak some people out.)

I don’t blog because I SHOULD. I blog because I must. Because something inside of me has to come forth. It waits to be born. My excitement at birthing words on a computer screen is pure joy.

I don’t feel that in church. I know I SHOULD. If only I’d devote myself to the WORD, I’d probably catch that excitement and joy for fellowship with the saints.

Yeah. Whatever. I devoted myself to the WORD and was awakened by what it said. I was excited and joyful about it. Still am. But that isn’t really what churches want. They want dutiful compliance to their stated ideals. They want you to show up, write out your check, and not rock any boats. Even the preacher who is begging for passion and energy and volunteerism doesn’t REALLY want those things to the extent (usually) HE claims he does.

They are too dangerous. Too uncomfortable. Too….edgy.

And so I sit on the edge. In the wilderness. The grass is beneath my feet. Mother Earth’s breath wisping across my cheeks. Her sun warming my flesh. Meeting my God in a space both desolate and expansive. Listening to her reveal the most amazing things to me. Things that only a person willing to experience the hazards  and isolation of awakening can ever experience.

It SHOULDn’t be this wonderful.

Yet it is.