2010: Looking Back So I Can Look Forward

Looking back is not something I typically do. There’s nothing a person can do to change what’s been done, and spending time dwelling on it is pretty much a waste of time.

This year, however, I think it is important for me to look back at the past twelve months so that I can recognize how much has changed and how far I have come, not to mention the many adventures that I experienced this year.

Twenty ten saw me take my first REAL yoga classes.

It was during one of those yogic moments of peaceful reflection that I made the decision to resign my job of 18 years.

That decision and its subsequent public announcement led to an energy shift in my workplace that was nothing short of miraculous. I don’t know who was more relieved, me or my co-workers.

It was the year we decided that maybe building a house at the farm wasn’t the best idea. We realized my in-laws wouldn’t be with us very many more years and that no one else in the family had a desire to live in their house. We couldn’t bear the thought of it sitting empty or being sold. We began to create a vision that involved once again restoring what we had rather than buying brand new.

Twenty ten was the year my sweet man helped move his aging parents to a nursing home. We didn’t realize how quickly our prediction would come to pass.

It was also the year we said “see ya later” to his handsome daddy.  We miss you, Charlie.

I realized this year that keeping forty years worth of mail and magazines is not a good idea.

I learned that while some things aren’t mine to discard, the rest of the family appreciates not having to do as much of it.

This year I figured out that it is possible to simultaneously be mad at my man for something he can’t fix and feel guilty for being mad at him.

I discovered that when meltdowns happen, I don’t really want anyone to fix or analyze the problem. I pretty much just want to be held by my man and allowed to blubber like a moron into total exhaustion.

I also discovered that sorting through 40 years worth of mail can trigger the aforementioned meltdown.

I messaged my dad and told him I’d haunt him in the afterlife if he left all his crap for me to sort through.

Sometimes having an entire week with no massage clients is a blessing to allow one to work on a more important project.

I really need to clean out my crap so my children won’t have to.

This year also saw the ongoing work on my wellness center progress from slightly nicer than trashy (requiring closed doors and plastic sheeting) to something that has become downright adorable.

My massage clientele has grown from about five on January 1, 2010 to about 75 today and from a few sessions a month to multiple sessions a week.

I have a gift. I don’t know what I do differently, and many times I feel very inadequate to help someone, yet people keep telling me I really do make a difference.

2010 was the year I realized how much I need to feel as though I am making a difference.

This year was the first year since 1992 that I have not attended August Staff Development.

I miss my friends.

I don’t miss the beaurocracy and protocol.

Twenty ten was the year I said goodbye to windowless cinderblock and electromagnetic fields.

It’s the year I discovered how amazing it is to give a massage in a thunderstorm.

It’s also the year I learned that the sound of geese flying over head is another sweet background symphony for giving a massage.

This year gave me time to can 100 pounds of apples, oodles of tomatoes, more jalapeños than I will ever need, and even make some apricot jam. I haven’t done that in probably 18 years because I was always back at work by the time the garden was ready.

This year we took our cowgirl to the state horse show, sent her off to horse camp, sent our oldest to Germany for a month, and then moved her to the far corner of New Mexico to go to school.

This year found daughter number two with a drivers license and an appreciation for the freedom even a 12 year old mini-van can bring.

It was the year my baby played on her first club basketball basketball team and decided she could live with an occasional bloody nose.

This was the year I told a man in leadership that I wanted strong female role models in my daughters’ lives.

It has also been the year I’ve had to remind myself that I got what I wished for and that everything else is secondary, even though there is some frustration.

This was the year I gave up on my hybrid car and helped my oldest get her first car.

This was the year I learned to be really really patient with licensing agencies. It took three months, but we finally got my oldest licensed to practice massage therapy in New Mexico without making any state agency enemies. The holdup was one of semantics. Terminology.

It was also the year I was glad my oldest didn’t have a job, because after completely missing Christmas last year due to work and snow, she has been home with us for a whole month. I kinda like having her around.

I hope she never gets a job, but rather finds a way to make a living on her own terms.

This was the year that 85% of my 18 years worth of retirement savings disappeared. In all fairness, it did a lot. It did things that couldn’t have been done if I had continued to work at my former job. It blessed my girls.

This was the year that I finally told my story.

And the year that I released some resentment in exchange for recognizing the gifts.

This year saw me let go of the guilt of “should” and simply enjoy “being”.

I learned that sometimes procrastination simply means the time isn’t yet right.

Twenty ten is the year I learned that there is a big difference between being a Christian and being a disciple of a man named Jesus.

I don’t want to be a Christian.

I want to be  like Jesus.

This year saw my eyes open to the historical origins of the Bible and let go of my blind belief in its divine authorship.

It also saw another major shift in my belief system.

I think I might have been wrong about a few things.

Twenty ten was the year I found some amazing people who are also on a quest for enlightenment and truth: Ronna Detrick, Renae Cobb, Don Rogers, and Chris Ledgerwood to name a few. I am grateful to have made their acquaintance and experienced their encouragement.

It was the year of a broken leg for cowgirl and a broken nose for my mom. Note to both: Be careful what you wish for. Sometimes you get your wish, but with a bit of an inconvenient side effect. Good lesson for me. I wonder if I caught on or if I’ll have to learn that one for myself sometime?

Twenty ten will go down as the year that I took a leap off of a cliff and had to build my wings during the free-fall.

My wings are in place, and now the ascension begins. There’s a pretty good climb ahead, but I have a hunch the view from the top of 2011 is going to be exhilerating.

That’s a big word that means really scary but very much worth it once the mountain is climbed.

Bring it on.

10 Responses to “2010: Looking Back So I Can Look Forward”

  • Wow! Quite a story for one year! Mine settled down somewhat, however it included a little family conflict between sons occasionally. That’s OK. I am learning to live in the NOW, which means to appreciate it all and learn from it.

    • Calm would certainly be nice. As for sibling conflict, guess you can try what my daddy threatened to do to me and my big brother. He told us if we EVER acted like certain other extended family members have acted over the years that he would bust our rear ends even when he was 80. ;-) It must have worked b/c my bro and I are nicer to each other than we ever were growing up. I wonder how my girls will interact when they are older. They are so different. I hope they will always be able to respect those differences. It’s got to be tough to look beyond such vastly different personalities. I’m sure time will tell.

  • viv:

    I am so proud of you and for you! You are a very happy blessed person. And you have been the one person who has kept me from going bonkers this year(well, maybe not as far bonkers as possible! haha)
    love ya!

    • Although you probably don’t realize it, you have kept me encouraged in so many ways. I could start listing them, bu that’s probably an entire blog post in itself.

  • Qeuntin:

    Gosh!! What a sigh of relief when you said “i don’t want to be a christian, I want to be like Jesus”. Man I thought that I was the only one who felt like that!! I have told a few of my “christian” friends that, and well lets just say they don’t talk to me anymore. They have gotten so caught up in that churchy christian bubble. Quite the year you have had. Fantastic!! I encourage yall to keep delving in! Keep pushing forward to the truth, and don’t hold back!

    I can picture that part of your freefall, where you are trying to build and put your wings on at the same time. I imagine a little movie effect where you finally get everything on and start flying just before the moment of impact and your swooping through cars and buildings on your accenstion. Can you see it? Lol

  • Wow, I’m just now reading this, the past few weeks have been a
    little hectic and I’m behind. I’m honored to have made such a
    list. I don’t know if you found me or I found you, but either
    way, I’m glad we’ve found each other in 2010. Here’s to a
    wonderful 2011!

    • You may have found me, but I wasn’t about to let you get away. You gave me a truckload of courage to continue the story when I needed it most. I will always be grateful.

  • Lisa Gore:

    Quite a post Angie! Looking back is sometimes the way of enlightment. I have one of those years myself. Through all the blessings do you not get panicky about money? That seems to be my biggest thorn.

    • You saw that comment about my retirement money, right???? I panic on a regular basis. Then I play the “abundance” speeches in my head and refocus. Then I panic again. I have awakened in the middle of the night in a panic on multiple occasions. I have to constantly remind myself what is the absolute worst that can happen? Yeah….it’s a big thorn….but it’s gonna be okay. I think. ;-)

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