“There is no way to both stay and go.” –Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Women Who Run With The Wolves.
Those words were shared this morning by a beautiful soul who calls herself Ronna Detrick in her latest blog post. Those words bring me so much peace and confidence today, when I need them most.
Today. This day. The day that I take the first official step towards going. In a little over an hour, the meeting will be over, the official notice will have been given, the decision made. I am going. I can’t not go. Staying would mean playing it safe, postponing my dream, and dying inside just a little bit more each day. It would mean waking up each morning knowing I was too chicken to risk experiencing my life’s purpose. I’m not exactly sure which generates more fear, staying or going. Staying is safe, but staying is toxic.
Going is release. My word for the year. I have much to release. This is one of those things. By releasing the old and embracing the new, even with all its risks and uncertainties, I will not only survive, I will thrive. I will live. I will feel joy. I will give joy. I will radiate joy. I will succeed. The how is not mine to arrange. Only the intention is mine to create.
I have asked the Divine to grant me freedom and joy. I have asked to be shown my life’s purpose. I have been led to this moment of going. Matthew 6:25-34 gives me the confidence of knowing that all my needs will be met.
25″Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?
26″Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? 28And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?
31″So do not worry, saying, `What shall we eat?’ or `What shall we drink?’ or `What shall we wear?’ 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
Today, I go. I release. I breathe. I live.
Lately I have been looking at ways to make the wellness business work as a full time gig. It is something I have always wanted to do, yet fear and security issues have kept me stuck in the safety of the employment of an organization. I am beginning to see through those issues and realize that I have the talents, knowledge, skills, and abilities to make my own way in this world, and do it quite nicely.
Freedom is one of the qualities I am seeking through this process–the freedom to choose when I work and for how long, the freedom to take off and go visit some place awesome, or take a class without having to ask the permission of upper management, freedom to chase my kids without a pang of guilt, and the freedom of figuring out how my income will find me.
I am trusting that the freedom I seek will also result in finding time to feed my family nutritious, healthy meals. From time to time over the years, I have been able to do this, and yet, it seems busy-ness always gets the best of those good habits. I see this transition as an opportunity to reignite that homefire.
There’s no time like the present to kick start a new habit, so I have begun to again attempt a menu and shopping list to help with the budget and the implementation of cooking from scratch with REAL food. I intend to blog on that topic as a means of accountability. I am also beginning to look at what I can raise myself, so I am setting some goals for our spring/summer/fall garden and farm this year.
I have a fairly unlimited supply of fresh free-range eggs, since we have our own chickens, so that expense is for the most part negated. We seem to consume lots of tomatoes, which could have something to do with the Italian blood that runs through my husbands side of the family. What I am reading about commercially canned tomatoes is quite disturbing, due to the effect of metal cans leaching unwanted things into the tomatoes. I guess I will be adding those to my home processing list for summer. I have never canned (or in this case “jarred”) tomatoes, but I have put up some other things over the years and I think I can get it figured out.
Other options will include fresh spinach. I’ve never really tried to grow spinach, but I am loving it for salad fixin’s and as an omelet add-in. I’ve attempted carrots a few times with minimal success, but I’m going to go at it again this year, along with beets. Maybe I’ll invest in a fancy juicer/blender thing to mush it all up together and hopefully make it taste fabulous.
I have been freezing my greenbeans the last few years, but I may go back to the canning method. The fam seems to prefer the mushy version over the almost fresh freezer style. Maybe I’ll do some of both. Black eyed peas are another good one, but picking beans and peas happens to be my LEAST favorite thing to do in the garden. It rates right up there with weeding.
Some other possibilities include potatoes, cucumbers (great for making relish with no HFCS), and of course watermelon and cantalope. There is nothing sweeter than a beyond organically-grown, left-on-the-vine-to-fully-ripen melon. My mouth waters thinking about them. Home-grown potatoes are important because of the chemicals they absorb from the soil in commercial agriculture. I discovered a couple of years ago that they aren’t that difficult to raise, and they are absolutely delicious straight from the ground to the cooking pot.
We planted several fruit trees last year, and I expect to put a few more in the ground this year. It will be a while before those help us out, and yet, I am quite excited about that possibility.
With all these plans, I will need the time flexibility of setting my own schedule. I will also need an outlet such as the local farmer’s market that is being planned. What garden crops are you planning? Do you have an interest in bringing your excess to a local farmer’s market? Share your plans with us and let’s see if we can make a difference in the health of our community.
Most of my life things have been pretty much black or white, right or wrong, either/or. To some extent, this is still the case with me. I’m a pretty black and white sort of person. Right is right and wrong is wrong. My version of right, or at least the one I had learned somewhere along the way, was the right version. Your version was wrong if it didn’t align with my version. This worked pretty well most of the time, and probably kept me out of a lot of trouble. That doesn’t mean I always CHOSE what I knew to be right. Sometimes I chose to do what I believed to be wrong because I desired it more than I desired to do what I knew to be right. It was simply a matter of weighing the benefits against the consequences to see which one would win. Fear of consequences usually won, but not always. The times when desire overcame fear did occasionally come along, and when they did, I was usually blessed, even when some negative consequences were inflicted.
A few years ago, the lines between black or white and right or wrong began to blur as my typically left-brained analytical self began to open up and see things as part of a bigger picture. Connections and inter-relatedness began to trump details, rules, and absolutes. Many ideals that had always been accepted as just “how it is” began to lack the element of common sense. Thoughts would occur to me such as, “…if this is true, then how can this other not be true?” I had begun to see possibilities when previously only absolutes had existed. Black and white was all over.
It certainly hasn’t been an easy journey. Most people like absolutes as long as they serve their purpose. Anyone who questions those absolutes is a bit of a troublemaker. Stirring the pot is not a highly regarded gift in most social circles, especially religious ones. Since religion was where my blacks and whites had been strongest, that’s the cauldron that has been the primary target of my stirring and the source of much of my personal stress. As such, it affects my wellness and earns its place as a post on this blog.
I am certainly not the first to be gifted with the opportunity to see the world through a wider, clearer lens. Gallileo had his problems dealing with the status quo of the religious world. He landed in some serious hot water over his whole “earth isn’t the center of the universe” theory. He was almost killed for that one. The knowledgeable women of Salem, Massachusetts, discovered that their herbal and healing expertise was grounds for being subjected to the infamous witch trials, complete with false witnesses. If they died they weren’t a witch, but if they lived they were a witch and would be put to death. That one resonates with the …ahem… quite logical methods of our own FDA and a few other government agencies <stated tongue in cheek of course>.
And of course, the most famous casualty of all was Jesus Christ. What an amazing human with an amazing connection to deity. So much good stuff is contained in his story: Way more than most people who claim to be his followers will allow themselves to recognize. He, too, was eliminated by those who sought to maintain their existing traditions and protect “their people” from this supposed blasphemous man. His crime was one of showing followers what he knew to be the truth about the Divine. He taught people to live a life of love rather than one of rules, rituals, and fear. Fortunately for us, he had the power to take up his life again once he had allowed himself to be killed.
How many times do we lock ourselves into a world of absolutes – black or white, right or wrong – because of the teachings and traditions we have been taught in fear? If instead, we would look at the bigger picture and see the abundance of mysterious and amazing evidence in world around us, much of our stress would fall away. Life would be filled with so much more love and so much less fear. My challenge to you is to release your fear and embrace that which offers love. In each situation, ask, “Is my reaction to this coming from a belief rooted in love or a belief rooted in fear?” Let’s loosen the grip on black and white and see things through the eyes of possibility. As we do, we invite more wellness into our lives in the form of love.
Yesterday at 4:00 PM, I had a little talk with Jesus. Notice I did not say TO Jesus, I said WITH Jesus. That’s right. I did something I never thought I would do. I paid a woman who claims to channel archangels, ascended masters, and Jesus Christ himself to give me 30 minutes of her time and attention, just to see what she would say. I was not disappointed.
Now before you decide I have lost my mind or that I have gone over to the dark side, keep in mind that the very Bible we faithfully uphold as the divinely inspired word of God has many examples of special people who received direct revelation from Spirit beings. The Old Testament is full of them, and even the New Testament has its share of people who received the audible voice of God. Also know that I went into this session with a healthy dose of skepticism, but also a desire to be open if in fact it was real. After all, if there is one thing I have learned in my five year search for MORE, it is that God speaks to us in many ways and God will give us the signs and confirmation we need to understand the divine purpose for our lives.
My channeling session took place over the telephone. The kind lady with whom I worked is a woman named Rosalee Sirgany. Her website at http://www.goldeneaglespirit.com/ indicates she is a contemporary mystic. I believe my discovery of her work was divinely directed, yet those circumstances are a blog post for another time.
She began by greeting me in the usual way, calling me by the name I used to contact her, which is Angie, and indicated that she was channeling Jesus Christ. I was good with that. After all, I had very specifically been asking God to let me hear his audible voice. Rosalee immediately interrupted herself and said she was getting “Angela” and asked if my real name is Angela, which it is. That information is readily available on the internet, so there is nothing stunning about her knowing my real name. She did tell me that I should go by my real name because it is much more energetically a match for me, and it is the name I chose before I came. I told her I had always felt my nickname of Angie was more me because it is short and catchy and fun. She indicated that is not the case and that Angela would in fact be more empowering to my attainment of my goals. I plan to have someone muscle check me to see which name actually supports my body’s energy system the best. Interestingly, she is not the first person to suggest that maybe Angie isn’t the name that resonates best for me.
She asked if I had questions. I told her that I was seeking some guidance with regards to career decisions. I indicated that I had held my current position with the local school system for 18 years, and that I had recently completed massage therapy school. My dilemma was in figuring out which one would get my undivided attention. I did not mention any dissatisfaction with my long-time career, nor did I mention any special passion for massage. However, I do know that a person might be able to draw some conclusions based on many of my blog posts.
She said my current work is not supporting me energetically. It leaves me feeling drained. The massage, on the other hand, she said fills me with joy and love and that I am VERY good at it. She emphasized this several times. She said if I will do that which fills me with joy and love, I will be very successful. She said the positive energy I generate when I do what I love will naturally draw people to me and to my business. She said finances might be tight at first, but that it is much more important that I do what I love than have a steady paycheck and supposed security by staying with something that drains me. Again, in all fairness, it is possible that a person could generate this information from my writings.
Then she got me where I couldn’t find a loophole. I mentioned that I was considering a return to school to get an RN license. She very quickly said, “No. You are tired of studying and do not wish to study anymore. Going back to school will only leave you with what you already have.” NOTHING I had said or written up to that point could have given her this idea, and yet as soon as she said it, I knew she was hearing from someone who knows me better than I know myself. I knew she, or rather Jesus, was right. My little financial investment in her time probably saved me thousands in education expenses that would have likely only added to my stress and not to my joy. Bottom line, she was dead on with this one, and no one else could have discouraged me with any other argument.
Our conversation continued and I asked her a few other questions. In each case, I felt this total stranger was tuned into a source that most of us are not conditioned to hear. Is she somehow unique in her ability? Is she a chosen one? Maybe so. I don’t think she is alone in her abilities, but I do think she has a heightened sensitivity to that which each of us has been offered, yet most are unable to access. Just like an Old Testament prophet, she has her heart and her senses tuned into a higher power. We may love and adore our higher power, but she hears the words they speak to us. In my book, that is WAY cool.
I was seeking confirmation. I have had multiple instances of confirmation in a variety of ways, but I wanted something more dramatic…more blunt. Through her, and ultimately I believe through Jesus Christ, I got my confirmation, but I also got a no. I am grateful for that no. I am almost as grateful for it as I am for the yeses. Thanks, God, for giving me the courage to find another way to hear your voice.
As a mom to four beautiful girls, a tv-loving husband, two dogs, any number of cats, a few rabbits, my chicken-ladies, and a couple of horses, finding space for quiet solitude can be quite daunting. It used to be that I had the early morning hours to myself until the last minute hustle and bustle of getting ready for school kicked into high gear. Now with teenagers rising early to make the most of their youthful beauty, it seems the quiet time of peace has given way to the sound of showers, blow dryers, makeup clackity clack, and discussions along the lines of, “Where is my shirt? You borrowed it last. I was gonna wear that.” And so yeah…you get the picture. Peaceful solitude eludes me for the most part.
Fortunately, I have discovered that my new massage therapy business allows me the opportunity to experience that much needed peaceful solitude in the beautiful space that is my wellness center. Some have suggested that massage therapy is a physically demanding occupation requiring difficult strenuous labor. Instead, I am finding that it is a relaxing, peaceful space in which both giver and receiver are rewarded with calm serenity. It is proving to be my sactuary of sorts.
I am realistic enough to know that giving enough massages to maintain our current standard of living is probably not a good idea. It is somewhat taxing on the body, and there is always a certain amount of giving of oneself to the client. I want to be able to give my best to every client, and not just give what’s left over at the end of a long day. There are certain things I do, such as Energy Medicine routines, to help keep me at my best. However, my desire is to do more to benefit myself while also meeting the needs of my clients. I recognized this need in college when I decided to pursue a career in physical education and fitness. I knew that I would live my best life if I worked in a fitness related career field.
The vision and desire that has evolved from having recognized these priorities is to create a nature-centered space in which to practice and teach yoga. Of course, I know very little about yoga at this point, but I know enough to know I need it, I need what it represents, and my body will love and appreciate it very much. Input from others has indicated they would also appreciate having a space and the guidance to learn and practice yoga. I know from attending a yoga retreat last year that yoga in nature is food for the soul. Unfortunately, our West Texas “nature” is one of frequent winds, blowing dust, extreme heat and cold, and more variety than Baskin Robbins 31 Flavors. It isn’t exactly conducive to creating an outdoor yoga sanctuary.
Yet as always, once the intention is stated, the means begins to evolve. A couple of years ago, I began to study yurts as a possible structure for my wellness center. Their design has a spiritual and integrative quality that makes them ideal for a creative healing space. I released that idea once we decided to use the little two bedroom rent house for my wellness center. Ironically, the yurt idea did not release me.
Earlier this year, I publicly stated my intention to pursue yoga and an instructor certification. The question of where I would practice has been recurring in my mind ever since. Knowing how much I desire to experience yoga in nature, and knowing how much variety our weather gives us in this part of the country, I began to consider the idea of constructing a greenhouse for a yoga space. Shortly after, the yurt idea returned. Why couldn’t I use the structure of a yurt and the coverings of a greenhouse to create an almost perfect space to experience yoga in nature? Apparently I can. I contacted Spirit Mountain Yurts and presented them with my idea. They loved it and so the stage is set to create a beautiful plant filled space warmed by the sun, sheltered from wind and rain, carpeted with green grass and herbs in which to share the spiritual experience and wellness of yoga with friends and neighbors. It will be a yoga sanctuary.
Of course a few details remain. I intend to begin my yoga training this week, assuming our weather cooperates. I am most grateful for your prayers for safe travel as this will require a weekly trip to Amarillo. It will take approximately a year of training before I am eligible to pursue instructor certification. During that time, I would ask that you send your thoughts, prayers, and positive intentions toward this dream. I trust that you will help me make it a reality by seeing it in your mind’s eye as though it is already complete. I have no idea how it will be funded, yet I trust the way will become clear at some point.
Meanwhile, enjoy some images of yurts that were sent my way by Spirit Mountain Yurts in Santa Fe, New Mexico, and let me know what you think of my vision.
